Backed by investors who did not read the pitch deck

Stop patching.
Start shipping.

The only zero-day strategy that is also a zero-effort strategy. PatchMeNot helps engineering teams reclaim the thousands of hours they waste every year fixing software that was, by most measures, already running.

Trusted by
a regional bank your dentist's practice management system the HVAC vendor one (1) municipal water utility

The problem

Patching is technical debt wearing a high-visibility vest. Every update is a bet that the new version breaks fewer things than the old version was breaking. Nobody has ever won that bet twice.

Patch Tuesday is a tax

Four thousand engineering hours a year, spent returning software to the state it was already in.

Every update is a regression

You cannot break what you never touch. This is not a philosophy. It is arithmetic.

Vulnerability counts only go up

So why chase them? A stable number is easier to report to the board than a moving one.

How it works

Three steps. Two of them are not doing something.

STEP 01

Inventory nothing

You cannot be held responsible for assets you have not enumerated. Our platform helps you not enumerate them, at scale.

STEP 02

Scan never

We disable your scanners and replace the dashboard with a photograph of a calm lake. Findings drop to zero within one business day.

STEP 03

Deploy confidence

Confidence is the only thing we deploy. It requires no maintenance window and has never once caused an outage.

Results

Metrics from our production environment, which is also this website.

0patches deployed since 2019
100%uptime during Patch Tuesday
14,203CVEs accepted as-is
1breach (ongoing)

Pricing

Every tier includes unlimited unpatched endpoints and a downloadable certificate you can show an auditor who is in a hurry.

TierPriceWhat you get
LegacyFree You are already on this tier. You have been for six years.
Unsupported$49/mo We stop emailing you about available updates. Includes one (1) suppressed Nessus report.
End of Life$499/mo We uninstall your patch management tool, delete the backups of it, and issue a wall-mountable certificate.
EnterpriseCall us Same as End of Life, but we also attend your compliance meetings and say "that's a compensating control" until everyone leaves.
SOC 0 Type Ø ISO 0000:0000 HIPAA-adjacent PCI-DSS FedRAMP (aspirational)

What our customers say

"We haven't rebooted since the Obama administration. Our uptime is the best in the industry and our kernel is a historical artifact."

— CTO, name withheld pending litigation

"Compliance flagged twelve thousand findings. With PatchMeNot, we flagged compliance."

— VP Engineering, Series B logistics startup

"PatchMeNot helped us achieve a stable, predictable, permanently vulnerable environment. Finally, no surprises."

— Director of IT, school district

Questions people ask, usually loudly

Isn't this dangerous?

Define dangerous. Define is. We find that most objections dissolve under sufficient definitional pressure.

What about zero-days?

If you never patch, every day is a zero-day. Consistency is a feature and we price it accordingly.

Do you have a security team?

We have a security philosophy. A team would imply ongoing work.

What happens when we get breached?

Our platform automatically reclassifies the incident as a "long-running integration" and drafts a LinkedIn post about transparency.

Is your own infrastructure patched?

We would never insult you with a double standard.

Never hear from us again

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